Swing life style and pushy men is an issue we have heard a lot about from other couples.
Recently however we encountered a couple of pushy men ourselves.
This is one of the instances.
Mr and Mrs A
This was a travelling couple that were coming over to visit some relatives for a couple of days.
We agreed to meet them on the second day of their stay and explained we were a soft swap couple, he said they preferred soft swap so all seemed good and we swapped face photographs and contact details.
We started a group conversation so we could all have a chat and the subject of blindfolds for us ladies came up, both of us ladies agreed that this would add an element of excitement to the play, all good so far.
Mr A messaged hubby separately asking about if we would consider full swap, hubby repeated that we were only soft swap.
A week before he got back in touch and started asking us what we were bringing, I said blindfolds as we had mentioned them before and everyone seemed okay with them, and then he suggested some restraints.
Neither hubby or I were relaxed about this and I don’t think Mrs A was too happy as when I said that the blindfolds were going to be enough this time she commented that she agreed.
Then Mr A messaged me separately and asked if I liked penetration, despite being told twice now we are soft swap, and what soft swap meant to us.
I showed hubby the message as there was no need for him to message me as there was a group chat.
I didn’t reply to this and ignored him but it made me uncomfortable.
Then he started to chat to hubby privately suggesting surprising the girls with surprise silent entry while we were blindfolded, he seemed to think that would be fun.
Hubby told me about the suggested surprise and we both decided then that we didn’t like the direction things were going.
If we met them we would have to be constantly watching over each other to check nothing was happening we didn’t want to.
He then messaged them and said that there was a mismatch in expectations and we didn’t feel comfortable meeting so would give it a miss, allowing them to find another couple if they wanted to.
Signs of pushy men
- In the incident above the first sign was when Mr A messaged hubby and asked about full swap despite discussing earlier that everyone was happy with soft swap.
- If you have to state your boundaries more than once and it is obvious it isn’t just a language(terminology) difference that you can get round then they are not going to get the message
- A red flag is messaging individuals when there is a group chat. Mr A messaged me separately when there was no need.
He should have asked any questions he wanted to in the chat group. - Finally and this was the deal breaker for us, was when he mentioned about a surprise, especially when the surprise was something that we had said already said no to.
This showed a lack of respect for our boundaries.
Dealing with the situation.
There isn’t really any way to deal with this kind of pushy man.
If you aren’t sure that they will respect your boundaries then just cancel.
You can be nice about it and say it seems to be a mismatch of expectations and styles and that you hope they will find a couple more suitable for them.
It’s better than spending the entire play date worrying something is going to happen that you don’t want.
We would love to hear from you.
Tell us about your experiences with pushy men (or women).
Did you pick up on it before it got too far?
How did YOU handle it?
How did it affect you and your other half?
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