Ethics in swinging.

We practice ethical non-monogamy and we thought it would be interesting to write an article about the subject and what we mean by ethical non-monogamy.

We would also like to hear other peoples opinions and views on the subject, I am sure we can turn this into an interesting debate.

What is ethical non-monogamy?
When is it ethical?
When it is not ethical
Why swinging will not stop a cheater cheating.
Why we practice ethical non-monogamy.
We would love to hear from you

So what is ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ to us?

Wikipedia (as ever) has a good definition of non monogamy :

Nonmonogamy is a blanket term covering several different types of interpersonal relationships in which some or all participants have multiple marital, sexual, and/or romantic partners. This can be contrasted with its opposite, monogamy, and yet may arise from the same psychology.

The ethical issue is answered by asking what actually makes anything ethical.
Do no harm to others. No cheating or lying and respect each others boundaries so everything is honest, consensual and respectful.
To us that is ethical non-monogamy.

When is it ethical to play with someone?

It is our opinion that swinging with the following can be classed as ethical :

Married couples. Obvious one, married couple both partners happy to swing together.
Committed couples. When a couple are not married but are definitely a couple and happy to swing together, maybe living together and/or have children together are the more obvious indicators here.
This also covers people in poly-amorous relationships as well, the key is that they are in a committed relationship with each other and happy swinging together.
Single males or females. Individual not in a relationship with anyone so are free to swing
Two singles swinging as a couple. Some people do this for security others for convenience.
This is two single people not in a relationship with anyone that come together to swing with people who might not swing with single men or women.
This is different to a paid escorts as listed below unless it is made clear from the start and all parties are happy with that arrangement.
Special permission. Hard to be 100% sure over, but some couples that might be separated for a long period of time due to work or family commitments might give each other permission to swing when apart.
Sometimes as well you get the man or woman from a swinging couple that will play on their own with the knowledge of their partner.

When it is not ethical?

It is our opinion that swinging with the following would be unethical :

Cheaters. Anyone who’s partner doesn’t know or disagrees with that person swinging.
This can be single men or women or even swinger couples where one or other is married to, or in a relationship with someone else that doesn’t know about it.
Paid Escorts. We have heard of instances where a single male pays a woman to swing with him to allow him to swing with people that would only play with couples and passes off the woman as his girlfriend/swinging partner without saying that he is actually paying her to be there.

Small list of when we would class it as unethical, but then as long as everyone is happy and nobody is being hurt with deception we won’t judge.

We don’t, however, tend to play with two singles playing as a couple , I just prefer committed couples , and we haven’t really had success playing with single males.

Why swinging will not stop a cheater cheating.

For some people the thrill of cheating, that they are going behind their partners back and the thought that they might get caught, is a part of why they cheat and is not present in swinging, although that has it’s own thrills.
If that is the main reason they are cheating then it is the thrill and excitement they crave, after a while they will get bored again and return to cheating.

For others they justify themselves with ‘my spouse doesn’t understand’ or ‘my spouse is too busy for me’.
This won’t be stopped by cheating as they are only after extra sex and that won’t be kept within the parameters of swinging partnerships.

Why we practice ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’

There are many reasons not to play with cheaters.

If either of them are lying to their partners then you have to wonder if they are lying to you.
You can get caught up in their lies and this causes unnecessary drama and stress.
As they are having to make excuses to their partner they aren’t as available and can cancel at the last minute.
Lastly playing with cheaters is condoning their behaviour and giving them an outlet and space to misbehave, we don’t want any part of that.

We would love to hear from you on this subject. Please comment below.

Have we missed any points?
What are your opinions on ethical non-monogamy?.

3 Comments

ArachneMW on 16th March, 2015 at 6:40 am

Excellent post! I LOVE the term “ethical non-monogamy”, I will be adopting it! I completely agree with your classification, and I have a question: how would you classify a situation when a couple (marries/committed/casual) hires a paid escort for a threesome? In that case, there is no deception, and the ethical/non-ethical status depends on your view on prostitution itself. (Personally, I would classify it as ethical, if it happens somewhere where it is legal, and if the escort is treated humanely.)

I am single now, and my ideal relationship would be ethically non-monogamous from a sexual point of view, but emotionally monogamous/close. It would be very interesting to see your views on swinging vs. polyamory (is it possible to maintain long-term swinging friendships with other couples without feelings developing?).
- A Swinger on 19th March, 2015 at 8:03 am
  
  Hi,
  
  Hee hee yes, the first time I heard the phrase Ethical Non-Monogamy I thought it was perfect. in fact it was listening to the podcasts on http://www.lifeontheswingset.com that I first heard it.
  
  In the scenario you mentioned with the paid escort as long as everyone is aware that the person is being paid and the escort is being treated well and is happy to be there, I feel it is definitely ethical.
  
  I believe there is a lot of cross over between poly and swinging and unless you are one of the ‘no social contact, just meet up for sex’ swingers I would suggest it is impossible for you to not form some kind of attachment if you meet regularly, however I think the key difference is the content and frequency of the communication between you and the other couples.
  
  There are a few swinger couples we meet, play with and are friends with but I would not class that as being poly, there isn’t the intense constant communication that I feel would be required in a poly relationship.
  
  I think sexually non-monogomous and the emotionally monogamous relationship is a great aim for any relationship and feel that, that is the kind of relationship hubby and I have.
  
  Now planning a post on the difference between and the cross over of poly and swinging.
A Swinger on 19th March, 2015 at 8:02 pm

Hi,
Glad you liked the post, yes the first time I heard the term ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ I thought it just fitted perfectly.
In the scenario you gave with a paid escort I would say as long as EVERYONE knows that the person is paid and the escort is treated like any of the other people there it is classed as ethical.
As for long term relationships with swinging couples I believe that feelings are bound to develop if you do more than just meet a couple for sex.
There are a few lifestyle couples that we class as friends and socialise with, but the feelings are far from the same feelings that are around in poly relationships.
I do believe though there is a lot of crossover between poly and swinging and indeed that would be a great post for the future so look out for that one.
I feel the relationship with my hubby is like where you would like to be, i feel we are emotionally monogamous but sex wise we are ethically non-monogomous.

Married Couples and Swinging Ethics