(image courtesy of Renee Baron)
One of the questions I see a lot on lifestyle forums is “How to get my partner to swing?” or “How do I get my spouse into wife sharing” so I thought I would tackle that subject in this post.
I will talk about “wife sharing” from the viewpoint of a husband who wants to get his wife interested in swinging. Although, for some couples, it is the wife who brings up the subject.
It’s all in the question
I can usually tell how a person is approaching things by the way they phrase the question in forums and I get frustrated when I see the question phrased “How can I convince my wife to swing” or “How can I make my wife swing”.
A better approach is how can I introduce the subject to my wife in a positive way to maximise the chance she will say yes. Or at least consider the subject seriously.
Attempting to force or trick your wife into swinging will not end well.
Introduce swinging to your wife by emphasising the benefits to her and your relationship. Acknowledge that there are pitfalls, this shows that you have thought seriously about the subject. Explain how you plan to avoid, or at least lessen the chance, of problems arising.
Introducing the topic of “wife sharing” with your wife
T here is no approach guaranteed to work. When first introduced your wife will want some time to think about it, unless she has been considering bringing the subject up herself.
However, there are ways of introducing “wife sharing” in a positive way to maximise the chance she will say yes.
Get a feel for your wife’s opinion on swinging first. See if she has any moral issues towards swinging.
Draw her attention to a news article about swinging just to gauge her reaction without suggesting that you join the swinging community.
Watch porn together with your wife, maybe show her a site that has videos of swinging parties or swinger couples.
Give her links to some sexy sites or some tumblr accounts you like.
If you get a positive reaction or at least a non-negative reaction you stand a good chance of introducing the subject as something you could both try.
If she has some moral issue you have a harder task ahead and I think that goes beyond the scope of this article as moral values run deep.
For some people swinging will be seen as cheating and will be morally wrong.
Introducing wife sharing
Next step is to introduce the idea of “wife sharing” or swinging as something you want to do with her as a couple. This can be tricky even if there are no issues with the concept of swinging as it now something that might happen in real life.
One option is to point out a nice looking couple next time you are out in the evening and fantasise with your wife what it would be like to have sex with them.
This will open up the discussion and will let her think about the prospect for a while with an actual picture of what it is like without putting pressure on her to commit to joining in with swinging.
Common issues and why I don’t see them really being an obstacle
Swinging and Jealousy
Jealousy in the lifestyle can be a big issue. It can be a huge block on the road to swinging and hard to get around.
Yes, there might be that odd fleeting feeling of jealousy when playing. I haven’t felt anything that hasn’t passed by the time the playdate is over.
You go home with your partner and nothing has changed. Once this happens you realise jealousy isn’t going to be a big problem for you.
Another common issue I have heard is the feeling that you are not enough when your partner has suggested swinging.
You can help remove her fears by telling her how sexy and attractive you find her. Play with your wife as well as the other woman when on swinging dates. It will make swinging feel like a joint activity, something you do together as a couple.
Easy way to look for someone else
“My husband is just using swinging as an excuse to look for someone else.”
She suspects her husband will leave her as soon as he has found someone else to play with.
Show her how much you love her and how she is the most important person to you. Make it clear to her that you are not looking for someone else. You want to swing as a couple, it’s a joint experience you can enjoy together.
Some women have an issue thinking about men other than their husbands in a sexual way.
You are not being disloyal or cheating because he has given consent. You can relax and have fun.
Some couples worry about friends or family finding out they are swingers.
They have a preference for playing with travelling couples or expats for this reason. It minimises the risk of meeting someone they know.
At swinger parties, everyone else is a swinger so outing you will also out them as well.
It’s only awkward seeing someone you know for the first 10 minutes. After that, you get around the ‘oh fancy seeing you here’ feeling.
We would love to hear from you
- How did you first approach your partner about swinging?
- Did you find one particular issue was blocking you and your partner from swinging, if so what was it?
- How did you overcome any concerns etc ?
- Have you approached things the wrong way in the past or have been answered with a flat no ?
T ell us your story about how you introduced your wife/partner to the lifestyle.
Haven’t introduced the subject to your wife yet? Why not?
Let us know in the comments section below.
You may also like
My wife has been vocal since we met 4 years ago that she was interested in polyamorous relationships. I, the husband, was against it. My brother divorced his wife because she became unfaithful and I saw how much pain he went through. However, last night we had a couple friends over, everyone was drinking. The idea was again proposed and this time I saw it as an opportunity to see exactly how enjoyable it could be. Not, how bad it would be. When in to it with a positive attitude, and GODDAYUM it was the dirtiest sexiest experience of my life! Today, I still love my wife and I can’t say I’m in love with our friends, so nothing in my heart has changed. It was a huge stress relief though, and I feel closer to my wife now if you can believe it. Moral of this story of debauchery? Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.
Fantastic Buddy, I am so glad your first experience turned out so well.
That feeling the day after your first swinging session is the best when you realise that you haven’t grown horns and you and you and your wife are still there for each other.
For me and a lot of swingers, swinging is just ‘adult play’ just like any ‘game’ and nothing to do with emotions at all, as long as all are consenting adults it is good ‘dirty’ fun.
I hope you and your wife continue to have nothing but positive experiences while swinging 🙂
By the way do report back on how you two progress in the lifestyle, we love to hear peoples stories.
My husband and I tired the life style . we were having fun. He had interactions with me and with her, there was never interactions between the other guy and myself due to my husband. Well when I caught him going against a agreed rule, no going being one another’s back, he flipped out. Making statement s that none of this was his idea and he never wanted it. When it started off with it being his idea. Now he tells about getting a sister wife or finding someone to add to the relationship since my interest in sex has decreased. What would you suggest?
Spouse sharing is based on trust and complete openness. And the arrangement must be based on psychological needs, which can be fluid and evolving, which may be at odds with parity. You need to reestablish trust and make the relationship work based on mutual needs and openness. Don’t cheat, even if the rationale for cheating is parity. You need to negotI ate openly for an arrangement that works for you too, and if he won’t accommodate you you need to make a tough decision
I would say give it a try. If it doesn’t work out then you know where you stand. Trust me as men we will ask first then if the communication is not there then he may do it on his own anyway. At least this way you don’t have to please him all the time and he may find out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Tell him you are going to play too.
As Ray says it is all built on trust and openness and I hope that by now you are on your way to regaining that trust with each other.
When you say the rule he broke was not going behind each other’s backs I am guessing you mean he had a liaison with another woman without you knowing or being there.
That is not what swinging is about and from what you say he has taken to wanting either an open relationship or a polyamorous one.
It doesn’t matter who’s idea it was to start swinging, he broke the rules after agreeing to them and from what you say, you were reasonably happy with the arrangement.
He should have had a conversation with you about it if he wanted to change it not just go about it his own way.
You need to tell him you are not happy and re-negotiate the situation with a solution that you both are happy with.
He is a pretty lucky guy to have a wife that was happy with swinging under the agreement you previously had as seemed so skewed towards his needs even then, but it doesn’t sound like he appreciates this.
Figure out what you would be happy with and take that to the table as a way of going forward when you broach the subject with him.
Don’t be pushed into an agreement you wouldn’t be comfortable in as you will only resent the situation and that is no way to go forward.
Best of luck finding your way with all this and I hope your husband is co-operative in this.
my wife is hot and I want her to do swinging. I know she would love once sex starts. but how to convince here for wife swapping or swinging. I want her to be free. she is 40 but I know anyone can be satisfied having sex with her. Off course I wud too like to have couple sex.
Hi I have the same situation as you I am 52 and she 42 iwant her to enjoy her sex life with me and outside . You see early in our marriage 23 years ago she had an affair . This hurt me a lot I love her too much even to approach her. About the affair. But instead I did bring up the swinging issue then she gave a hint she might be interested .but now 23 years later I’m scared to bring up the topic.any suggestions. By the way she is still hot and sexy and looks 25.
Mike that was a long time ago. Try to get that out of the back of your mind by telling yourself she had other guys before you and you still married her. Give up on the traditional for nothing today is traditional and look at her as a friend and not an object we sometimes give our friends more of a pass than our spouses or significant others. Tell her you are over it and lets move on with greater and more enjoyable encounters.
Mike, I salute your love for your wife to work through what happened.
I noticed you have sent another message below and you talked to her and are trying a few things so will answer further there.
You really can’t ‘make or convince any one to swing or wife swap, especially if you want to do it only the way you imagine and not taking into account what she would be comfortable with.
You haven’t said if you have asked her about it.
Imagining that you have, maybe you need to reset how you envisage it going.
For instance maybe she would be okay with a couple you know well or the opposite, a couple that you have never met and never will see again.
Maybe she wants you to participate with another lady, maybe she just wants you in the room while she plays with another man.
Find out if any aspect appeals to her and under what conditions, maybe she wants to do all the arranging, maybe she wants you to do it all and she can just turn up.
Basically just ask what her ‘broad’ feelings and expectations around swinging are and see if there is anything you can work with.
My wife and I talked in a joking way about swapping with her friend and husband. Then, she said,” well,, how would that feel?” One thing I can’t seem to ge my head around is being very jelouce durring and perhaps angry after..
we have what we call a perfect ideal marriage. Can I picture another man pleasuring my wife? YES! Big Time! It actually turns me on a bit lately.
Than why the jealousy?
The car ride home would be funny. I can see myself being upset. Upset that another man plowed and got my wife to cum beside me! The anger may be a bad thing.. resenting each other for wanting,thenhaving someone other than each other may be destructive.
We have kids etc.. is it worth the potential risk I describe and fear?
Each situation is different Henry, so as to if it is worth the risk only you and your wife know the full situation and what you could gain and/or lose.
In regards to why the jealousy, one man who was in this position put it quite succinctly :
‘The mind hates the thought but the cock loves it’.
He sat in the taxi going to the hotel with his wife and the guy in the back seat and his wife was making sure he could hear everthing going on in the back.
Hi said they are going to do it again as he said it was just too much of a turn on to let the jealousy win.
I guess it depends on how well you think you can handle any jealous or angry feelings you get.
Talk it through with your wife and if you are both still keen then discuss what you both could do if you get jealous so as not to upset your marriage.
I think if you are going to go ahead you need to make sure you are both on the same page and have discussed what to do if things get rocky because of the play.
I first brought the subject up to my wife one night when we were both drinking. She told me she would do it if I really wanted to, just not in the small town we live in. So we answered an ad on CL from a guy who was working in town for a week and had his own hotel room in a neighboring city. She LOVED it, and we only saw him one time. She now wishes we had gone back the next night. We have answered several ads posted by a man seeking MWM, and it excites me to see her having sex with another man and giving him oral sex. We have posted a few ads ourselves looking for a “third” and have had some limited success, as she doesn’t want anyone less than six inches. I put the ad on and let her select who she wants based on size and looks. She is 73, a smaller BBW, but she is sexy with a nice ass and breasts, and men respond gladly. We have found many younger men who absolutely love the idea of a sexy older woman! We still enjoy it and plan on continuuing enjoying it.
How delightful that you and your wife are enjoying the lifestyle.
You are absoltely spot on with her having the final selection and so glad you both are having fun with the lifestyle.
Yes it can be hit and miss with couples and singles, but how awesome is it when you get a ‘hit’ hey.
Young men do find the lure of an experienced older woman irresistable especially in the context of swinging as they know full well that there is a wealth of experience to be gained and I think they enjoy being able to learn a little while having fun.
Your wife does indeed sound super sexy and you sound like a super fun couple.
Wishing you many happy years of swinging ahead.
I have spoken to my fianc’ee about swinging. The thing is, I am looking to only watch her swing with other men. I will not be with other women. This is originally my idea, she is interested but not willing to try just yet. She is very nervous and hesitant about the idea. She said at some point down the line maybe, which is ok and I am trying to be understanding.
How could I help her be more comfortable with the idea and want to per sue it sooner than later?
Hey Vincent – I’m in the same boat, we are newly weds and I would love to see my wife with another man. I think she thinks I only want it so I can have sex with other women but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m still at the stage where I’m testing the water with her. I don’t want to be pushy or force her into anything she isn’t comfortable with. Last year wewent to a nudist spa together which had rooms upstairs for adult fun. Although we didn’t play with others it was a really hot experience and my wife was so nervous about being naked In front of others, but she ended up loving it and we. It’s want to go again.
Fast forward to the end of last year and we were at a masquerade ball with a couple of friends. We were all pretty drunk and there were naked men walking around serving food. I dared my wife to go kiss the guy and after little hesitation, she went over and kissed him passionately. I was blown away.
I know these are only small steps but I hoping they are signs that she is at least open to the idea of swinging. The key is not to push them and let them decide if and when it is right for them.
You really can’t force these things.
You are lucky enough for her to be good with the idea and say ‘some point’ in the future.
Sorry but if you try to rush her into it she may back out entirely and refuse to consider swinging in the future.
You are just going to have to go at her pace.
However in regards to making her more comfortable with the idea in general.
Maybe try ‘role playing’ while out as a couple in a bar for example.
Asking her to imagine she was bringing home a single/couple tonight would she pick anyone in there.
If she says yes then you can ask about how she imagines the imagary date with them going.
That might get her feeling more comfortable with at least thinking and talking about swinging.
Hi I’m just looking for a way to ask my wife. We have a good sexy life very active but I would still love to explore and have her do it wit me, what’s the best way to approach her
Do you two watch porn together ?
There are some good swinging party videos out there that you can bring up watching for a bit of variety and take it from there.
If you bring up the subject and she seems okay but doesn’t want to discuss it then give her room, it can take a few days of thinking it overherself before she may be ready to discuss further.
Other ways I have suggested before are if she happens to mention a guy or girl are ‘cute’ then ask her to talk through a possible scenario of taking ‘them’ back to a hotel room.
That should give you an idea of her take on swinging.
I told my wife about my swinging fantasies and she said that she doesnt want to do it but then she gets really horny and we have lots of sex. We have been to a swingers club 3 times and we only had sex with each other infront of strangers once. I saw on her internet history that shes been reading up on swinging and how to get into the lifestyle but she still acts like shes not into it. Whats with her getting so secretly turned on if shes against it? Any ideas anyone?
Turning the fantasy into a reality is a big jump.
I remember that hubby and I had discussed swinging for years before we actually got around to it.
This is something I suggest a lot and the best way to find out what is getting her turned on about it is to coax it out.
If you notice while you are out that she seems taken with any of the guys, even if part of a couple ask her if she would like something to happen.
Then ask her to maybe roleplay and talk through how she would like things to proceed if that man/couple were interested.
Hopefully, that will get her talking about the parts of swinging that get her excited and give you a lead on that.
Hi after my last comment I did bring up the subject of swinging and she said in the future she will consider it .but recently she has been surfing the net on swinging . She more horney now than before.I think I will realize my fantacy one of these days.I trust her she trusts me.we are even more closer now. Trust love and giving space is the key .nbi get turned on when I imagine another guy giving her pleasure.
Glad you brought it up with your wife and you seemed to have actually tapped into something in her desires.
You have it right with the key being Trust, Love and Space.
Maybe one time when you are out having a nice drink with her you can see if she seems taken with any of the guys, even if part of a couple and ask her if she would like something to happen.
Then ask her to talk through how she would like things to proceed if that man/couple were interested.
As it’s all down to her imagination I would imagine she could be visualising something really hot.
Once you have her visualising you will be able to see exactly what she likes about the idea and maybe work with that.
Good luck and kudos to you and your wife for getting through.
My wife is the same way. I talk about swinging experiences with my ex and it really turns my wife on. She gets so wet but then like others says she could never do that. I told her about a 4 couple orgy we arrested and she was so wet. She asked me so many details. I think meeting like minded couples would be great. We put an ad on SDC, filled out the profile together and had fun taking pictures to certify for the site. But she chickened out and had me delete it after chatting with a few couples. We went to a swing club and we only went to the front. She wanted to leave after a couple of hours. I think it would have been better with another newbie couple like us. We also went to a strip club amd she loved her lap dance and said she would like to try with a woman. When she is not in the bedroom she says no to everything.
It seems like your wife is trying these things out for when they are suggested at least.
You say about trying with another newbie couple, to be honest sometimes that isn’t the best idea as I think you need a couple that is experienced so you can see how relaxed and enjoyable the whole process is, other new couples are likely to be as nervous as you.
Experienced couples also aren’t really that prone to drama.
Why did she say she wanted you to delete your profile on SDC?
Was she worried about somebody recognising her?
Didn’t like other people seeing the private photos and commenting?
Are you saying your wife said she would like to try swinging with another woman?
Some options there are single female or a couple where the guy is happy to sit back with you and watch your wife and his play.
It does sound like she is interested in the lifestyle just not sure of her reactions.
Give her time and keep treating her to those lapdances that she likes 🙂
I had fantasised for years about watching my wife being fucked senseless by a black guy. I knew she had fantasised about sleeping with black guys as she’d hot especially turned on by interracial scenes when we watched porn together and I’d also found a lot of interracial stuff in her browser history. So I paid a black personal trainer to start sessions with her and briefed him to seduce her – with the promise of a big bonus if he fucked her. Two years on and he has made her his bitch and fucks her regularly. He also brings friends round to use her too. I’m made to watch and clean her up once they’re done using her. He likes to humiliate me too – that began with him pulling out of my wife, walking over to me, and pushing his cock into my mouth. As he made me suck him off, he revealed to my wife early on that I’d paid him to seduce her. So not only did she discover I’d initiated the whole arrangement, but she also discovered how much of a sub slur I was, willing to lick her pussy juices off another man’s rock hard cock
Thank you for sharing your story,
It is always nice to hear from a couple who are having fun in the lifestyle.
I have noticed that as long as everyone is having fun then it can take any format.
It really sounds as if both you and your wife are enjoying yourselves, well done and may more happy years of swinging to you both.
I’m not married, but been with my guy for over 5 years now. We have an amazing sex life, but I just can’t get enough cock. I’m a biker chick. And last year had quite alot of dirty fun with a group of guys at a motorcycle rally. Long story short, I went to my boyfriend’s house next day and he said something wierd to me that I felt “loose”. A couple days later he sat me down and said he was ok with me being with other men, but he wants to film it. I’m not comfortable with video because I have a daughter and dont want the footage leaking online. I let a guy filmme like 10 years ago and I found out last year he shared it on a porn site. Anyhow, my BF put some ads on Craigslist and we got a TON of replies. I don’t like fat guys or black and that was majority of messages. So was wondering if there was better site to meet guys that doesn’t have wierdos or fake ads?
Well, it sounds like you and your guy are going to have a lot of fun going forward in the lifestyle.
So I use SDC and AdultFriendFinder as well as AdultHub.
We have actually done some reviews on two of them.
TheAdultHub (https://www.theadulthub.com) is also an excellent site and as soon as we can we will be doing a review of that.
We find that SDC and TheAdultHub have fewer but better quality profiles (in Asia).
You can chat online/email and see if they have any testimonials etc and vet them before you meet them.
A lot of the profiles have pictures so you can filter for your physical preferences that way.
It is still hard work filtering and the odd ‘not a good fit’ gets through but in general I find it easier to filter.
Best of luck and hope you have lots of fun.
My husband and i have a great marriage. I have ALWAYS been faithfull to him. However he is more emotional than sexual. I love him very much but I feel i need more in bed. I want to be a swinger and i would love it if he was on board with it. However he is the type of person if i brought it up it would hurt his feelings and possibly cause a lot of insecurities and make him question our marriage or he could like the idea and everything be great. How do i even begin to get the idea to him that this is what i want. Also please keep in mind he is leaving for deployment soon so i need to make sure he would be okay with this before he leaves. I have limited time : (
Great article. My wife of 12 years is the one who had brought up a mfm fantasy and also “swinging eventually”. She has even recently suggested me watching her receive an erotic/sensual massage. Which I gladly set up at a nice hotel. But sadly the masseur cancelled. I always encourage her to flirt and even give coupons/certificates for “adult play” when she is out with friends or solo. And she has not used them. She has shown her girlfriends the coupons and they find it awesome that I am so open and not the jealous type.
Now where we are is I ask her for how she sees the extracurricular activities going and get no response at all. But the beat goes on. And to me, if she wants to go out on her own to play that would be fine. Just tell me the details is all I would ask.
my fiancé and I have been together for 6 years now and have had a great sex life so far, however lately I’ve fantasied about sharing her with someone else. I’ve asked her a couple times if she would like that but she doesn’t seem to be interested and says she wouldn’t want to share me. To be honest this fantasy is more about me sharing her than it is about me having sex with other girls but I don’t know if there’s another way of approaching it without being to pushy. We had a threesome about a year ago and it was actually her idea so I’m sure that at the moment she would enjoy.
Hi there, I have been fantasizing about my fiance having sex with other guys. We’ve been together for 6 years now and have had a great sex life together however, for some reason I want her to have sex with other guys. She is really hot and the thought of other guys wanting her turns me on and so I have talked to her about swinging but she doesn’t seem to want it, she says she wouldn’t want to share me. To be honest this fantasy of mine is more about her being with other guys than it is about me having sex with other girls but of course I would love to get into this together. I know at the moment she would enjoy it since she gets really freaky in bed but the problem is getting it to happen. I guess I need help or tips on how to bring this up again without sounding too pushy.
We organise newbie friendly swinger parties, it’s a perfect way to get into swinging for curious couples. For first time couples we recommend they don’t participate, just watch. Afterwards, you can discuss what you thought of the party and whether you would be comfortable participating in a future party. No pressure and no expectations.
just the opposite my wife talked me into swinging we first started out soft swinging we were at party after other guests gone home other couple started to have sex in front of us my wife pulled me down she had no panties on and we had sex afterwards as if nothing had happened sat and had a drink the next times and with same couple wives stripped thier clothes off we sat around nude drinking and talking sex with selves again next time we were at motel drinking and dancing rented a room started out with each other then switched partners other couple black i enjoyed watching wife with him